The title of this post was supposed to be “Here We Go Again…” Sadly, even now as I start to write a new version of the post, I can’t really even think of what to title it. I’ll figure something out…

As some of you know, Jen and I were expecting to grow our family by another tiny member. This morning, we got the news that it wasn’t to be. As you can expect, we were thrilled when we got that plus sign on the pregnancy test, especially since we had been trying for a few months to get pregnant with a second kid. We’ve been waiting eagerly for over a month now for our first doctor’s appointment so we could get to see that little peanut shaped baby and hear that tiny little heartbeat. Today was the day, and we were so excited to get that first picture and broadcast the news across Facebook and everywhere that we could let people know. However, when ultrasound time came, those feelings took a very sharp turn to sadness, disappointment and frustration.

You see, we discovered that what we had expected to be our next child was in fact a “blighted ovum” or “anembyonic pregnancy.” The short explanation of this is that a fertilized egg embeds and the pregnancy sac develops, but the embryo does not. A woman’s body will continue to treat it as a pregnancy for a while, but eventually “miscarries” when it realizes that the embryo hasn’t actually formed.

Watching the screen of the ultrasound machine hoping and praying to see a little miracle with each passing second that the doctor looks is in and of itself agonizing. For one, you have no idea what you’re looking at and two you don’t know what’s wrong and the doctor isn’t talking. When nothing appeared for us and the doctor simply said “I’m so sorry,” the hearts of two expectant parents broke.

What makes this situation even harder is that I’m not sure how to grieve. This isn’t a baby that was formed, carried and then lost…technically there was nothing there in the first place. But it feels like a child that was lost. To us, for nearly 2 months, there was a baby on the way. I’ve been angry for a few minutes at a time today because the doctors make you wait until at least 8 weeks into a pregnancy before they’ll even see you. So, for 2 months you’ve build up excitement and expectation. If only they would have seen us sooner, and we found out earlier, maybe it wouldn’t be so heartbreaking now. Then there’s frustration and the “what-if’s”. There’s nothing we could have done to change this situation. It is what it is. But you always question and you ultimately feel helpless when you come to grips with the fact that there’s nothing you could have done.

The silver lining…while I’m not quite to the point of being able to see the good in this yet, I have been reminded by some amazing friends and family that God is still God. He didn’t do this to wreck our lives or just to enjoy our pain. Is there something we’re supposed to take away from this? I’m sure that there is. If we learn nothing then I think that we’re ignoring how God works through this situation.  Was this merely a learning tool that God was using? I don’t think that our God is that cruel.

As we continue to grieve and process the roller coaster we’ve gone through the last 9 hours, please pray for us. We know it will be OK. We are amazingly blessed with one beautiful little girl already and our love for her will go a long way in helping us get past this lost opportunity for us to make her a big sister. As I mentioned, we have already had some amazing friends and family speak into our lives in this situation and we are so thankful. Thanks in advance for the prayers and the amazing words that I’m sure will come our way.

“Give me faith, to trust what You say.
That You’re good and You’re love is great.
…
I may be weak, but Your spirit’s strong in me.
My flesh may fail, but my God, You never will.”